Lessons Learned From 90s Sitcoms

  1. Don’t lie ever, not even sins of omission or to protect someone.  It will blow up in your face like all get out when the writers need drama.
  2. If you break rule #1 & feel really really badly about it & make an effort to talk it out, the universe will reward you.  Like giving you an orphan baby to raise, or reuniting you with your true love, or granting you the motivation to start a new venture.
  3. Because whenever things go wrong, enough time & talk will set things right.  Talking means you’re trying & that the writers really want to flex those drama skills that aren’t working so well in that unpublished novel they’re working on.
  4. Be bold.  Go for the big gestures–buy your love interest an engagement ring; rent a Ferris wheel to say ‘I love you’; create the perfect senior prom for your girl or guy.
  5. Parents: argyle makes you a moral authority.  Unless you’re having a bad day or there’s a need for conflict–then it makes you self-righteous.
  6. If anything shady is going on but you can’t bring yourself to voice your suspicions or confront the other person, say you “feel off.”
  7. If you “feel off” for too long though, you’d better go to the doctor pretty quickly.  Those negative vibes might have just turned themselves into cancer or some other terminal illness.  You could die at the most inopportune moment, like say, days after your baby daughter is born to your schizophrenic wife or right when your adult son has encountered some money troubles.
  8. Also, are you sure you’re pregnant?  That might be cancer too.
  9. Abortion, drug use, casual sex, and questions about religion are not good.  However, civil respectful debate is fantastic!
  10. Also, if things get too heavy plot-wise, just rip off It’s a Wonderful Life for your holiday special.  I mean, at this point if you don’t do it, you’re just gonna look like a weirdo.
  11. Ponies are excellent bar/bat mitvah/birthday/starting your new business gifts.  Also, you should totally give your long-term crush a chuppah as a wedding gift/statement that you are the better match.
  12. Protip: totally ok to go through someone’s mail or house even if there are cookies or engagement rings involved.
  13. You can be in love with two people at once.  But you actually just love one of them more than the other.  And when said rejected love interest irrevocably leaves town when you breakup, they will join all other rejected love interests in their quiet coastal town where they don’t hold ritual group pinings & don’t think of what could have been, even though you tore out their hearts, Lorelai, I mean, Jesus, I moved cross-country to forget you!
  14. It is a bad idea to date your daughter’s high school English teacher.  Not only does this complicate your home-life, but having a character who is empathetic, can quote vast amounts of literature at romantic times, wants to help raise your family, sends you 1000 yellow daises as part of a proposal, & is stupid hot–yeah, they’re not sticking around past this season.
  15. Which reminds me, writers: Have your characters gratuitously quote Shakespeare or make other high literary comparisons in everyday speech.  Everyone here is an artist, dammit!  And that MFA degree isn’t gonna show off itself!
  16. You can’t hide from the hard knocks of life in a small Connecticut/Colorado/California town.  But if you leave. . . let’s just say buy some good insurance.
  17. It’s uncool to joke about your suicide attempt in a bowling alley.
  18. But life sounds worse on paper than when you lived through it.
  19. Although it is pretty cruel to name your least intelligent character Bright.
  20. And the whole point to this list, the main takeaway that allows me to get away with this silliness?  Being a sarcastic dick can get you plenty of attention & really help you get places.